#CarTroubles #TariffTantrum #ExportEnvy #AutoMotiveMeltdown #InternationalIncident
By: TheJestPress.com
**Japan’s Exports Drop as US Tariffs Hit Automobiles, Pressure Set to Intensify—Toyota Priuses Put on Emotional Support Waiting List**
Japan’s automakers awoke this week to the startling news that the US is slapping hefty tariffs on imported vehicles. In response, several brands released statements ranging from “This is an unfortunate development” to “We’re off to go scream into our dashboards for a while.”
US officials say the tariffs will encourage Americans to buy more locally-produced cars like the Chevrolet Equinox, a car widely recognized for its relentless mediocrity and cupholder abundance. In Michigan, auto workers held a modest parade featuring floats powered by old Dodge minivan engines and at least one guy in a foam Statue of Liberty hat.
Meanwhile, Japanese car executives are scrambling. Toyota’s board held an emergency meeting where the first 30 minutes were spent Googling, “How to make sushi out of corn.” Honda has announced it may resort to the ultimate threat: releasing a minivan that can only drive in reverse. “Desperate times demand desperate transmissions,” said a Honda spokesperson.
On the street, American drivers are already seeing the effects. The average price of a new import shot up faster than a Subaru at a stoplight. US car enthusiasts, clutching their anime steering wheel covers, have been spotted crying softly at their local dealership’s doors, chanting, “Kawaii desu!” in protest.
Japanese exports have tumbled so hard, financial experts have recommended their stocks begin practicing basic tumbling in the event they try out for the next Olympics. “If only we could export irony,” one Nissan accountant was overheard muttering, “because this is just peak performance.”
As the trade battle heats up, economists warn the only winners will be people who own shares in American tow truck companies. Sources say the Prius, never known for its fighting spirit, has been placed on an emotional support waiting list and is currently being comforted by a fleet of sympathetic Roombas.
By: TheJestPress.com
Leave a comment