#PlasticPocalypse #EcoLOL #HealthHazard #NotFantasticPlastic #SatireSnackPack
By: TheJestPress.com
**World in $1.5tn ‘Plastics Crisis’: Scientists Recommend Wrapping Babies in Bubble Wrap to Build Immunity**
In a shocking report this week, scientists revealed that humanity is currently “neck-deep in plastic, both figuratively and literally,” with the world officially entering a $1.5 trillion plastics crisis. According to The Lancet, microplastics now lurk in everything from newborn lungs to grandma’s dentures and may soon be the leading cause of family resemblance.
“The plastic crisis is out of control,” stated Dr. Saran Wrap, lead author and part-time Tupperware hoarder. “Plastic production has grown 200-fold since 1950. There’s so much, you’re probably breathing in three Lego bricks as you read this.”
Scientists warn that plastic now affects human health at every stage—from prenatal sippy cups to adult beverage containers. Babies are reportedly being born with BPA in their first tooth, and some geriatrics have begun skipping the hip replacement by opting directly for eco-friendly plastic legs.
Current solutions include treating the symptoms rather than the cause. The innovative “Bubble Wrap Initiative” is currently being trialed in Scandinavia, wrapping infants from head to toe so their immune systems can get a ‘head start’ processing microplastics. “We’re really just trying to get ahead of the curve,” Dr. Wrap explained. “The next generation might as well develop a taste for PET early.”
Meanwhile, big plastic companies argued that “plastic is a human right,” insisting that nothing tastes better than a good old-fashioned grocery store salad prepackaged for your convenience… and your bloodstream.
World governments pledged to meet in 2029 to agree to form a committee to consider maybe doing something—unless, of course, they forget due to plastic-induced memory fog.
Experts warn you shouldn’t panic: just be prepared. Everyone’s favorite childhood fish snack may soon be the goldfish-shaped microplastics in your tap water.
Stay hydrated—just remember to chew.
By: TheJestPress.com
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