#LilNasX #LAArrest #SatireNews #OldTownFelonies #IndustryBabyTrouble
By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: https://freecash.com/r/c97b0ab020579663572c
LOS ANGELES, CA — In news that’s leaving fans somewhere between “MONTERO” and “Don’t Call Me Anymore, Officer!”, rapper Lil Nas X is facing a whopping FOUR felony charges following his arrest in Los Angeles this week. Authorities say the charges include Resisting Arrest with Excessive Sass, Intent to Commit a Twerk in a No-Twerk Zone, Illegal Hoe-Down, and the rarely seen Misuse of Glitter in a Public Space.
According to the LAPD, the “Industry Baby” artist was apprehended “while attempting to ride a mechanical bull through a Chick-fil-A drive-thru, singing Old Town Road at full volume and refusing to take the horsepower off the combo meal.” Officers report that when asked to dismount and “take it down a notch,” Lil Nas X challenged them to a lip-sync battle. The officers respectfully declined, as their choreographer was on vacation.
Witnesses claim the situation escalated when Lil Nas X sprinkled a suspicious amount of glitter on the sidewalk, allegedly to “summon the power of Beyoncé.” Forensic sweepers spent three hours collecting sparkling evidence, but admit they’ll “never truly get all the glitter out of the asphalt.”
Prosecutors allege intent to distribute good vibes, citing a cache of rainbow cowboy hats found in his trunk. “We suspect he’s been supplying the Los Angeles nightlife scene with excessive groove and unlicensed yeehaw energy,” said DA Ron “No Fun” Matthews. “It’s an ongoing investigation.”
In response, Lil Nas X’s attorney issued the following statement: “My client is only guilty of serving looks and making hits. We are confident justice will be served, preferably with a side of hot sauce.”
The trial is scheduled for next month. In the meantime, local Chick-fil-As have updated their signage to read: “No Bull Riding. No Glitter Bombs. Please use the Intercom.”
Stay tuned for more developments in this sparkle-spangled saga.
By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: https://freecash.com/r/c97b0ab020579663572c
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