#UtahRedraw #GerrymanderGiggles #Mapocalypse #PoliticalPuzzles #SatireJurisdiction
By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: https://freecash.com/r/c97b0ab020579663572c
**Utah Judge Orders Congressional Map Redrawn, Suggests Giant Game of Twister Instead**
SALT LAKE CITY—In a landmark decision that sent spill-proof coloring books soaring off store shelves, a Utah judge this week ordered state lawmakers to “put down the crayons and try again” with their congressional map for the 2026 elections. The ruling comes after widespread accusations that the last map looked suspiciously like a game of “connect the dots”—where the dots represent the homes of every moderate voter, all conveniently packed outside districts.
The judge, citing state precedent and “basic geometry,” said, “A district shaped like a breakdancing gopher isn’t representational democracy. It’s performance art.” She went on to recommend that for the next attempt, legislators use a ruler, or at minimum, “ask a child under five for advice.”
Lawmakers, caught off guard, immediately held a press conference in which they assured citizens, “Redrawing maps is hard. Last time we got lost halfway through and just traced around our hands. That’s why District Three looks like a turkey.”
In an effort to streamline the process, several proposals for the new map have already surfaced. Among them: outlining districts according to the natural contours of local fast food drive-thrus, or simply assigning seats based on who yells “dibs!” first every two years. One bold innovation suggested merging all districts into a single über-district shaped like Utah’s favorite jello mold.
Meanwhile, Utahns are encouraged to submit their own map ideas, with the top submission winning a lifetime supply of gummy erasers and the ceremonial “Golden Compass.”
As chaos—and red Sharpies—reign, the only thing all sides seem to agree on is that whatever gets drawn, it’ll probably still look better than Wyoming’s.
By: TheJestPress.com and Sponsored by: https://freecash.com/r/c97b0ab020579663572c
Leave a comment