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**CDC Dramatically Scales Back Food Poisoning Tracking Program; Leftovers Nationwide Panic**
ATLANTA, GA – In a move cheered by microwaved shrimp quesadillas everywhere, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) announced yesterday that it will dramatically scale back its program tracking food poisoning infections. The surprise decision comes at a time when more Americans than ever are discovering the culinary thrill of questionable chicken.
“We’ve decided it’s time to give food a little more… mystery,” said CDC spokesperson Brie Camembert. “Does that picnic potato salad make you immortal, or does it contain tomorrow’s existential experience on the bathroom floor? That’s the fun!”
Without regular tracking, salmonella, E. coli, listeria, and all their friends are finally free to roam about the digestive tract in peace, no longer dodging the cold gaze of government surveillance. “We’re tired of getting blamed for every runny nose and three-day vacation in the restroom,” said one bacterium, wearing a tiny cape. “Let us live—and occasionally, you know, accidentally kill.”
Americans can now look forward to playing “Guess That Gut Gremlin” after each adventurous takeout order. The CDC says it’s optimistic this will revive classic bonding activities, like arguing with your spouse over whether it was the undercooked pork or the experimental gas station sushi that caused the symptoms.
Meanwhile, street-side taco trucks, backyard BBQs, and leftovers from the back shelf of the office fridge are reportedly “feeling empowered.” Several Tupperware containers were seen arm-in-arm chanting, “We are not suspicious! We are aged to perfection!”
The CDC offers one final warning: “Just remember, if you suddenly see your life flash before your eyes after eating a tuna melt, you probably shouldn’t have added that ‘extra vintage’ mayo.”
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