**Comey Tracked by Secret Service After Post Critical of Trump; Now Required to Provide “Daily Vibes Update”**
In yet another shocking example of what experts call “creative use of government resources,” sources confirmed Tuesday that former FBI Director James Comey is now being monitored around the clock by a detail of Secret Service agents after he made a somewhat mild, slightly spicy, but unmistakably critical social media post about former president Donald Trump.
Comey’s post, which read, “Seems like it’s golf season year-round at Mar-a-Lago these days,” was widely regarded as both a devastating takedown and a subtle observation that, as one Twitter reply pointed out, “could basically mean anything.”
But according to unnamed insiders familiar with the situation, the Secret Service was reportedly dispatched by a highly secretive—yet somehow always televised—Presidential Feelings Protection Task Force. Their mission? To keep Americans safe from what one White House source called “the clear and present danger of former officials being mean online.”
*Lunch with Surveillance, Hold the Privacy*
Comey, known for his six-foot-eight frame and his encyclopedic knowledge of polite office email sign-offs, seemed unfazed by the presence of agents during his daily routine. By all accounts, the agents—dressed in their finest “I’m Not Here” suits—now accompany Comey to the coffee shop, yoga class, and particularly on his legendary “long, pensive walks” where he periodically stares at ducks and contemplates the fragility of democracy.
One agent, who wished to remain anonymous, explained, “It’s not so bad. Mr. Comey seems nice, if overly fond of talking about proper memo formatting. The hardest part is keeping up with his power walking. The man’s stride is a national security concern in itself.”
*Required Vibes Report Filed Hourly*
Under the new protocol, Comey is required to file a “Daily Vibes Update.” Documents obtained by this publication show he summed up his first day as “mildly annoyed, feeling surveilled, would not recommend.” Sources confirm that, after reading Comey’s feedback, the Task Force raised the threat level from “Unfavorable” to “Moody with a Chance of Sarcasm.”
When reached for comment, a White House spokesperson said, “While President Trump is no longer president, he remains deeply concerned about the feelings of former presidents, especially himself, which are known to be highly sensitive and prone to Twitter combustion. These measures are about protecting democracy—or at least, you know, its vibes.”
*Comey Responds with Typical Restraint*
Meanwhile, Comey himself addressed his new entourage in a follow-up post:
“I’d like to thank my new friends in sunglasses for ensuring I never have to wait alone at Starbucks again. #grateful #mostly”
He later clarified that his original post about Trump’s golf game “wasn’t even mean and frankly, I’m saving my A-material for next year’s NPR pledge drive.”
*Experts Respond*
Experts in political etiquette and personal space reacted with cautious optimism. Professor Dotty Millings from the Institute for the Study of Passive-Aggressive Democracy said, “If this is the future of discourse, perhaps Secret Service agents should start moderating Twitter threads. At the very least, someone would finally read the terms of service.”
At press time, sources said the Secret Service was considering also monitoring Comey’s Goodreads account for “overly pointed memoir reviews,” just to be safe.
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