THEJESTPRESS.COM

**The Last City-Run Walk-In COVID Test Center to Close; Local Resident Unsure Where He’ll Now Test for Pessimism**

By: The Satirical Syringe

In what public health officials are calling “the end of an era,” the city’s last walk-in COVID test center will officially close its doors this Friday, finally bringing an end to the time-honored tradition of standing in a mildly embarrassed line while strangers gently swab your nose and judge your hand sanitizer brand.

The storied Community Wellness Pavilion (located between the old Kmart and the inexplicably still-open Blockbuster) has tested more than 300,000 nostrils over the last four years. Its closure will have sweeping impacts, particularly on residents who have spent more time in the test center than at their own homes.

Longtime patron Glen “Negative Again” Forrester was stoically preparing for a new phase of life. “I came here every Thursday,” Forrester recounted, his voice muffled behind an N-95 mask and years of repressed coughing. “Sometimes I bring muffins for the staff. Where am I supposed to go now when I need someone to compliment my mucous membranes?”

Reports indicate that makeshift pop-up COVID testing sites will continue to appear sporadically in parking lots, behind hot yoga studios, and occasionally inside the homes of parents you haven’t visited since 2020. However, city officials noted these “flash swabs” will likely lack the calming ambiance and ancient pamphlet selection of the official Wellness Pavilion.

#### An Era of Ending Eras

The closure ceremony will feature speeches from Mayor Shelley Finn, several exhausted nurses, and a performance by the local choir, The Muffled Vocals, whose harmonies are optimized for cloth mask acoustics. Rumors are swirling that the event will include a ceremonial passing of the “COVID Testing Stick”—a 6-inch cotton swab that smells faintly of despair and saline.

“Honestly, I’ll miss it,” said test center coordinator Rita Chong, boxing up the last leftover bottles of hand sanitizer. “We all learned a lot about viruses, supply shortages, and how to make polite conversation while jabbing someone’s brainstem.”

Residents reacted with predictable nostalgia. “First they took away the free donuts for vaccinated people, now this?” lamented one regular. “If the library closes next, I’ll have nowhere left to go to look serious in public.”

#### A Changing Marketplace

With the walk-in center’s demise, future COVID tests will require new tactics. Most residents will experience diagnosis through the ancient art of “Struggling with a Home Test and Texting Friends for Emotional Support.” Others, like Forrester, plan to stand outside CVS hoping someone will accidentally swab them while opening a bag of cotton balls.

The city assures everyone that the knowledge of how to awkwardly tilt your head 45 degrees while a stranger counts to ten will never be forgotten. Everyone is encouraged to continue testing at home, at work, or at gatherings where someone coughs more than twice.

As for the site of the venerable test center, rumors suggest it may soon become a vape shop, a high-end axe throwing range, or the headquarters for the city’s next existential crisis.

For now, locals are left with only memories, slight sinus discomfort, and a faint yearning for the golden days when “just one more test” meant another morning off work.