**Comey Tracked by Secret Service After Post Critical of Trump; Texas Officials Still Figuring Out Text Message Technology**
By: TheJestPress.com
Washington, D.C. — The Secret Service is now officially tracking James Comey, former FBI director, after he committed the modern cardinal sin: writing a mildly spicy post about Donald Trump on social media. The monitoring effort, codenamed “Operation Bad Yelp Review,” began moments after Comey described the ex-president’s hair as “uniquely provocative, but less innovative than Elon Musk’s odorous cologne.”
“We take all threats to the former president’s ego very seriously,” a Secret Service spokesperson stated from behind mirrored sunglasses. “Our technology lets us triangulate the source of biting sarcasm in under a minute. If Comey describes Mr. Trump’s tie as ‘unusually moist’ again, we’re escalating to SWAT emojis.”
Meanwhile, in Kerr County, Texas, officials are still marveling at the mysterious power of smartphones. In a tragic incident, it took ninety excruciating minutes for county officials to send out an emergency alert, because, as local dispatch audio revealed, nobody could remember their Apple ID password.
According to sources, dispatchers spent the first hour debating whether “emergency alert” meant dialing 911 on a landline or posting about it on the Sheriff’s Facebook wall. “My grandson set up an iPad for me in 2015,” said one official, “but all I do is play Solitaire. I have no idea how to send a countywide message, but I can make the cards dance.”
Tragedy further struck in the Lone Star State, as law enforcement reported the heartbreaking death of a child who was left in a hot car. The mother, police say, thought she’d dropped her child at school, adding her name to a growing list of parents more sleep-deprived than the President’s social media team during an indictment.
In response, local schools immediately installed cardboard cut-outs of children at every entrance, so parents can double-check if they’re leaving behind actual offspring or just emotional baggage.
Comey, now surveilled by a caravan of unmarked Priuses, chimed in on the Texas mishaps. “Thank God the FBI never had to rely on small-town dispatch,” he tweeted, “or we’d have caught Watergate six presidents late.”
With technological acumen stalled below dial-up speed and snark policed in real time, Americans everywhere are, at press time, just grateful to remember where they last left their car keys.
By: TheJestPress.com
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