#Satire #ICEFails #GrandmaGate #OnlyInAmerica #TheJestPress
By: TheJestPress.com
**ICE Handcuffs 71-Year-Old U.S. Citizen Grandma at San Diego Immigration Court, Finally Nabs “Most Dangerous Threat”**
SAN DIEGO—In a stunning display of—well, something—agents from the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) handcuffed 71-year-old Dolores McGillicuddy at the San Diego Immigration Court on Wednesday. The retired schoolteacher, U.S. citizen, and undefeated reigning apple pie contest champion was reportedly leaving a citizenship ceremony for her neighbor when agents swooped in.
Eyewitnesses report that agents, acting on a “vague hunch and a dangerous fondness for gluten-free crumble,” identified Mrs. McGillicuddy as “looking suspiciously American” before executing a flawless handcuff maneuver last seen in a 1987 episode of COPS.
In an official statement, ICE spokesperson Chad Stone defended the operation: “You can never be too careful. Grandma McGillicuddy exhibited classic signs of US citizenship—having a bad back, carrying hard candy, and voting in every presidential election since Nixon. We simply had to act.”
Ms. McGillicuddy, who cooperated by repeatedly asking agents if they’d eaten lunch, was eventually released when her AARP card matched her driver’s license and her encyclopedic knowledge of Matlock episodes sealed her fate as a true American.
The incident has drawn sharp criticism from all corners, except for the National Association for the Abolition of Speed-Walkers, who voiced measured support, stating, “We always suspected Dolores was moving a little too fast through security.”
When reached for comment, Mrs. McGillicuddy said, “I just hope ICE returns my Tupperware. And if they want my famous tuna casserole recipe, they could’ve just asked.”
In an internal memo, ICE agents have been advised to revise their “threat assessment” protocols to finally address the looming menace of, quote, “bingo halls filled with unregistered voters and low-sodium soup.”
By: TheJestPress.com
Leave a comment