#PlagueInTheDesert #ArizonaProblems #ModernMedicine #ERDrama #NotBlackDeathAgain
By: TheJestPress.com
**Arizona ER Patient Dies Of Plague, Doctors Blame “Surprise Throwback Week”**
TEMPE — In a move medical experts are calling “unexpectedly medieval,” an Arizona patient died in the emergency room on Tuesday, succumbing to the plague—yes, *that* plague, the one with the death carts and Monty Python jokes. Hospital staff insisted that the ER is “normally only retro about TV shows.”
“Frankly, we expected gunshot wounds, rattlesnake bites, or someone who thought sunscreen was just a Big Lotion scam,” said Dr. Linda Plague-Notfunny, spokesperson for Sudden Cactus Regional Hospital. “But plague? Even the CDC had to Google it.”
According to sources, fellow ER patients were initially excited, thinking “plague” was a new viral TikTok dance. A nurse was heard asking, “Is this like the Harlem Shake, but with coughing?”
Authorities declared “utmost seriousness” after it was discovered that the deceased had tried to cure himself with essential oils and a strong belief in the Arizona sun’s germ-killing abilities. “He said he’d read that nothing survives in 120-degree heat,” explained one witness, “except, apparently, him and 14th-century bacteria.”
The hospital confirmed that the emergency room has been completely disinfected and will resume non-plague emergencies, such as people stuck to their cars in July or scorpions “just chilling in a shoe.” Meanwhile, the CDC began distributing updates in papyrus scrolls, “just to be historically accurate,” according to an over-enthusiastic intern.
Medical historians warn that if Arizona keeps this up, we could see the return of jousting injuries, leech-related lawsuits, and someone asking to be bled for “bad vibes.”
“We told people not to bring back bucket hats. We really didn’t expect this,” sighed Arizona’s state health director. “At least with modern plague, the memes are much better.”
By: TheJestPress.com
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