#OvidioGuilty #CartelComedy #NarcoNews #ElChapoJr #SatireNews
By: TheJestPress.com
**Son of ‘El Chapo’ Pleads Guilty, Asks if Plea Deal Comes with Complimentary Tacos**
In a dramatic courtroom twist that left both judge and jury hungry, Ovidio Guzmán López, son of infamous drug lord ‘El Chapo,’ has pleaded guilty in his US drug trafficking case—raising the pressing question: does a guilty plea come with a side of guac?
Sources say Ovidio decided on the guilty plea after discovering that Netflix is considering a spinoff series, “Narcos: The Next Generation.” “I just wanted my own arc. Netflix, call me!” he reportedly told his lawyer, who still hasn’t been paid—though he does now own three donkeys and a suspiciously large bag of sugar marked “definitely not drugs.”
Court records reveal Ovidio shocked the courtroom not by admitting to years of cartel activity, but when he tried to bargain for 50% off at Chipotle as part of the sentence negotiations. “It’s a hardship adjustment,” he argued. “Prison burritos just don’t hit the same.”
Meanwhile, El Chapo himself sent in a handwritten note demanding to FaceTime his son during lunch hour for “business advice.” The judge denied this, stating, “This is not LinkedIn, Mr. Guzmán.”
The cartel heir’s guilty plea reportedly inspired other criminals to re-examine their strategies. “Turns out, crime doesn’t pay if you get caught—unless Netflix pays for exclusive rights,” mused one anonymous henchman.
In a closing statement, Ovidio asked to be sentenced somewhere with better WiFi and at least two or three mariachi nights per month. The judge is currently reviewing if that’s legally binding, or just an elaborate Yelp review.
As the case wraps up, Americans everywhere wonder: Will “El Chapo Jr.” reinvent the prison burrito, or just introduce Taco Tuesday to cellblock C?
Stay tuned—because with this family, the next episode is always one tunnel away.
By: TheJestPress.com
Leave a comment