# AlligatorAlcatraz #MiamiMania #FloridaWild #DadOnTheRun #SatireNews
By: TheJestPress.com
**MIAMI, FL –** Edward “Eddie” Martinez had always referred to himself as a “man of adventure.” Armed with nothing but a passport and a regrettable Hawaiian shirt, he announced to his family that he was leaving the U.S. for “more exciting pastures.” But, in true Florida fashion, things didn’t quite go as planned.
According to travel officials and skeptical crocodile witnesses, Eddie’s bid for freedom went sideways after his GPS, which he blames on “some angry Siri energy,” led him straight through the Everglades, not Miami International Airport.
After driving for several “scenic” hours, Eddie arrived at a peculiar fenced area surrounded by nothing but swamp and the suspicious glint of reptilian eyes. Expecting Carnival Cruise lines, he instead encountered “Alligator Alcatraz”—South Florida’s premier correctional facility for felonious reptiles.
“I thought it was a cruise port,” Eddie confessed, “but the only watercraft I saw was a half-eaten canoe.” Reportedly, he attempted to trade his suitcase for “safe passage,” but the resident gators weren’t in the mood to negotiate. “One of ‘em eyed my Nike sandals. I knew I was in trouble.”
Despite attempts to blend in by lying still and sunbathing on a log, Eddie’s WiFi-searching dance alerted Wildlife Rangers, who quickly “rescued” him before he could join the facility’s annual swamp-rafting escape plan.
Tourists were treated to an impromptu show as rangers fished the Miami dad out, prompting one man to exclaim, “That’s the most Florida thing I’ve seen since an iguana blimp!”
Martinez is back home with his family, GPS privileges revoked and his sense of direction in question. His wife, Maria, has issued a formal request for all future vacations to be supervised by people who can tell the difference between an airport lounge and an alligator lockup.
**Alligator Alcatraz, meanwhile, is reviewing its visitor screening policies.**
By: TheJestPress.com
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