#UraniumOnTheRocks #AerogelGoldrush #CollagenCraze #OceanTreasure #NuclearGlowUp
By: TheJestPress.com
**Move Over Fancy Skincare: Collagen-Based Aerogel Promises Uranium-Filled Glow, Straight from the Sea**
In a world where seaweed facials and snail slime serums have become tragically mainstream, science is finally catering to those craving a more *radioactive* skincare routine. Researchers have announced the creation of a collagen-based porous aerogel that can extract uranium straight out of seawater, so you can really get that “Chernobyl-chic” look this summer.
At a press conference held on a beach that is now slightly off-limits, lead scientist Dr. Glowria Ramos demonstrated the collagen aerogel: “We were just tired of making plumping facial creams, and thought, ‘What else can collagen REALLY do?’ That’s when uranium extraction just naturally came up.”
Environmentalists, always enthusiastic about anything except uranium, are torn. “It’s pretty cool that we can now mine the ocean without using any of those *boring old shovels.* But do we really want teenagers on TikTok showing us their glowing green face masks?” mused ocean activist Sandy Beach.
The economic implications are astounding; Wall Street has already started trading “Seawater Uranium Futures” and celebrities are rumored to be launching lifestyle brands, promising “nuclear-powered positivity.” Kim Kardashian has reportedly trademarked “Glower Than Thou,” promising a cream that’s “30% collagen, 2% hope, 68% spontaneous fusion.”
Still, not everyone is convinced. Local fisherman Todd E. Tuna worries, “What happens when these things end up in the food chain? Will my fish glow in the dark, or just taste like metal?”
Meanwhile, beachcombers are advised that if they find a porous aerogel sponge on the shore, it’s probably best to avoid using it on their T-zone—or as an exfoliating loofah, unless they want to invest in lead shielding.
Stock up on SPF 5000, folks. The nuclear summer is about to get *lit*.
By: TheJestPress.com
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