#SwedesInStripe #ScandiCellmates #EstonianRoommates #JailOverflow #FlatpackPrison
By: TheJestPress.com
STOCKHOLM—In a move reminiscent of Black Friday shoppers scrambling for the last parking space at IKEA, Sweden has announced groundbreaking plans to *rent jail cells* from its neighbor Estonia after running out of room for its homegrown miscreants.
“Swedish prisons are simply too full,” said Sven Svensson, Director General of Swedish Corrections, while balancing a tray of vegan meatballs. “We thought about asking Norway, but after the whole ‘stolen cheese’ fiasco, relations are still a bit… sour.”
Estonia, whose jails still have plenty of “prime real estate,” has graciously offered up their empty cells for what can only be described as the world’s weirdest Airbnb experience. “We’ll even give them the east-facing cells with the forest view,” promised Estonian official Maris Koiv, brushing dust off a 1996 bunk bed. “Our moody Scandinavian guests will feel right at home.”
Excited Swedish inmates are already brushing up on “Survival Estonian,” with helpful phrases like “Where’s the reindeer meat?” and “Do you accept IKEA gift cards as contraband?” Meanwhile, Estonian cellmates are bracing themselves for an influx of flat-pack furniture and midnight conversations about feelings.
The Swedish prison system has promised that all exported prisoners will be “delivered with clear assembly instructions and all necessary Allen keys.” Estonian authorities responded by doubling security around local furniture stores.
Experts believe this could spark a whole new line of prison-themed Nordic exports, such as the “Lågstraf” cell bunk, which comes unassembled but includes a complimentary hour of court-mandated family counseling.
Asked why Sweden’s prisons are so full in the first place, officials cited “our inability to say no, even to felons,” and a nationwide passion for assembling things, *even if they shouldn’t be taken apart*.
With Sweden set to outsource its inmates, rumors swirl that next, the nation will rent out saunas in Finland or time-share fjords in Norway. But for now, Estonian jailers are preparing for an influx of polite criminals and the world’s largest delivery of meatballs.
By: TheJestPress.com
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