#TrumpRantsAgain #EpsteinGate #PamBondiToTheRescue #MAGAChaos #SatireNews
By: TheJestPress.com
In yet another episode of “As the Mar-a-Lago Turns,” former President Donald Trump released an all-caps statement late Wednesday, setting the MAGA world ablaze by—gasp—criticizing his own “boys” and “gals” while detouring into a wild Epstein-gate monologue. The statement, which sources confirmed was dictated while holding a Diet Coke and a cheeseburger (for balance), began with Trump’s now familiar opener: “NO COLLUSION!”
But in a bold move, Trump called out his most loyal supporters for doing “a terrible, just terrible” job at defending him online. “The MAGA boys and gals, they have great energy. Tremendous energy. But frankly, folks, not smart enough sometimes. They keep yelling about things that don’t even involve me, like global warming. I mean, enough with the Twitter memes of my hair on the moon. Focus, people!”
Shifting to Epstein-gate—because why not?—Trump mused, “Everyone says, ‘Don, what about Epstein? Were you on the plane?’ Folks, they don’t even let me on planes anymore, except mine. And mine’s much nicer, believe me.”
He then name-launched his favorite former Florida Attorney General: “Let Pam Bondi do her job! She’s the only one who knows what’s going on here. Did you see her last press conference? Me neither, but I’m sure it was beautiful.”
MAGA-world quickly went into meltdown, with QAnon forums demanding to know if “Pam Bondi” is really a secret government codename (Spoiler: It’s not—it’s just Pam Bondi). Meanwhile, Rudy Giuliani announced a new podcast—“Epstein, Pam, and the Art of the Deal”—streaming exclusively from his basement wine cellar.
As for Pam Bondi, insiders say she spent most of Thursday screening calls from Trump, peppering her with questions like, “Is there really an Epstein island or is it just great branding?”
Stay tuned for Trump’s next episode, where he might scold the MAGA kids for not using enough exclamation points.
By: TheJestPress.com
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