#ReunionGoneWrong #ChattanoogaChaos #AlumniAccident #PartyFoul #TheJestPress
By: TheJestPress.com
CHATTANOOGA, TN — Saturday night’s Thomas Jefferson High School reunion was supposed to be a chance to relive the glory days, but attendees discovered some grudges are harder to kill than the punch bowl’s mysterious floating objects. Four former alumni were shot midway through the festivities, proving yet again that nothing brings people together like shared nostalgia and an unscheduled visit from Chattanooga’s finest.
Witnesses say the evening started innocently enough with the “Guess the Teacher from the Mugshot” game and a surprisingly competitive round of Musical Folding Chairs. But tempers flared after the fifth playing of “Cotton Eye Joe,” and things escalated faster than Facebook friend requests after the 10-year reunion.
“At first, we thought the sound was just Principal Meyers dropping the mic during his rap about student loans,” said reunion attendee Tammy Billings. “But then cousin Jimmy dived under the cheese fountain, and we realized we’d officially moved from ‘awkward dance moves’ to ‘true crime podcast material’ territory.”
Despite the commotion, police have yet to make any arrests and are reportedly considering a new “Hide and Go Seek” elective for future class curriculums. “No one was willing to snitch,” said Lieutenant O’Malley. “Typical Class of ‘95—always leaving their assignments late and their witnesses anonymous.”
Reunion event planner Vicki Sanderson vowed to improve security for next year. “Maybe we’ll just do a Zoom call and mail everyone bulletproof vests with their invitations,” she said. “Or skip straight to group therapy.”
At press time, sources confirmed that next year’s agenda would tentatively replace “Best Dressed” with “Least Likely to Require Police Protection.”
In summary, the Class of ‘95 proved once and for all: old wounds heal, but sibling rivalries and questionable dance-offs are forever.
By: TheJestPress.com
Leave a comment