#TrumpTariffTango #EUvsUS #TradeWarfare #Briexit #SatireNews
By: TheJestPress.com
In a move that has economists biting their fingernails and cheese enthusiasts gripping their camembert tighter than ever, the European Union is reportedly preparing a response to former (and possibly future) U.S. President Donald Trump’s latest outburst: a 30% tariff threat on imported European cars. DW News reports that EU leaders are “highly motivated” to respond, which, in Brussels, means someone will file a strongly worded memo by next Thursday.
Rumors are swirling that the EU’s options run thick and rich, like double cream. Some insiders speculate Brussels might slap hefty tariffs on all exports of American ranch dressing and ketchup, claiming “gastronomic self-defense.” Others champion the possibility of a “reverse colonialism” irritant, offering every American a gift-wrapped surströmming (fermented herring) starter pack as a goodwill gesture.
Sources close to Ursula von der Leyen say the EU’s most drastic plan yet involves threatening to make tea *exactly* like the British do—and then NOT drink it, just to hurt American Anglophile feelings.
Germany, meanwhile, has reportedly proposed letting cars self-identify as e-bikes, which are currently tariff-free, while France threatens to impose an ‘Existential Sigh Tax’ on all U.S. Netflix shows set in Paris.
Experts predict the stalemate could escalate into a full-on “Briexit,” with European delicacies like wine and cheese barricading themselves at the borders, blowing romantic kisses towards the Atlantic while plots are hatched to smuggle them to U.S. foodies via the dark web.
A White House spokesperson commented, “We’re not worried. Americans can make do with Freedom Fries, Kraft singles, and that one guy who tried to make wine from expired Capri-Sun in his garage.”
The markets are nervous, Europeans are bemused, and Trump is still convinced “Brussels” is just a typo in his Belgian waffle order. Stay tuned.
By: TheJestPress.com
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