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By: TheJestPress.com
**France Graciously Grants New Caledonia All the Trappings of a State—Except, Well, Actual Independence**
In a historic and slightly confusing move this week, the French government has magnanimously agreed to grant New Caledonia everything it could want in the pursuit of nationhood—flags, anthems, and even diplomatic letterheads. There’s just one not-so-tiny detail: actual independence remains strictly off-limits.
“We believe this is a fair compromise,” announced French President Emmanuel Macron, while sipping a café au lait and trying to remember where New Caledonia is on the map. “They now have the right to call themselves a state, wave any flag they like, and wear really serious faces at the UN. But sovereignty? That would just be too exciting for all of us.”
Under the new arrangement, New Caledonians will be issued their own stylish maroon passports—valid everywhere except France, the EU, and most of the world. The new currency will be the CaledoEuro, which can only be exchanged for hopes and dreams at participating boulangeries.
Local leaders were overjoyed but also slightly bewildered. “We can now make our own laws, as long as they match whatever Paris just declared illegal,” said a representative from Nouméa, “plus we get a national bird, the Lesser-Spotted Bureaucrat.”
France has been quick to clarify: “New Caledonia can have state-like things, including national TV stations!” (All channels to rebroadcast French soap operas 24/7). The only off-limits topic: “The I-word,” which is not to be uttered in polite French or even mildly rude English.
“It’s like getting keys to your own apartment, except the landlord still comes in to eat your cheese and you have to call him ‘Papa,’” said a local satirist. “But hey, at least now I have a nationality! I think.”
By: TheJestPress.com
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