THEJESTPRESS.COM

#DiplomaticDownsizing #ThePurge #SorryNotState #EmbassyEvicted #StaffingSatire

By: TheJestPress.com

**State Department Begins Firing Spree, Claims It’s Just “Updating the Friend List”**

Washington, D.C. — In a move that’s being described as “humanitarian downsizing,” the State Department has begun the process of firing over 1,350 employees as part of what officials have dubbed President Trump’s “Great Diplomatic Shake-Up.” Sources confirmed that workers were notified by a new app called “State ‘Ya Later!”—which automatically deletes their email and replaces it with a GIF of Trump giving a thumbs up.

A spokesperson for the White House explained, “America wanted less bureaucracy, and now we’ve delivered! We’ve reduced headcount, cut back on all those unnecessary ‘talks,’ and now the State Department will operate from a single, unmarked basement in Gary, Indiana.”

Rumors swirl that the Secretary of State considered replacing traditional exit interviews with a reality TV–style voting system, featuring dramatic confessional booths, where survivors vie for the title “Ambassador to What’s Left.” Early favorites include Karen from HR, who can handle crisis situations like a true professional—as long as it’s about printer toner—or Chad, who actually knows where Bahrain is.

The move reportedly frees up resources for a dazzling new “America’s Next Top Diplomat” contest. The first challenge? Explaining to the United Nations why we now conduct foreign policy exclusively via memes and loosely translated tweets.

One departing employee, still clinging to their stapler, told TheJestPress.com, “I never thought I’d hear the phrase, ‘You’re not diplomatic enough to work here.’ My mother is going to be devastated.”

As the dust settles, the Department promises that America’s global standing remains unchanged: “We’re still number one in confidence and making headlines. Do we really need more embassies, or fewer people for the President to accidentally call ‘wrong’ on Twitter?”

Meanwhile, morale inside the State Department is described as “strongly worded.”