#ULFAI #DroneZone #ArmyDenial #SatireNews #ByTheJestPress
By: TheJestPress.com
**ULFA(I) Alleges Indian Army Drone Attack—Army Claims Drone Actually Looking For Lost WiFi Signal**
In an episode straight out of “Who Flew It Anyway?”, ULFA(I) commanders erupted into outrage this week, alleging that their “top-secret” jungle camps were blasted by Indian Army drones. The Army, however, has insisted there was no such drone, no such attack, and, frankly, they can barely keep their office WiFi from dropping.
ULFA(I)’s anonymous Spokesperson #7 released a statement that read: *“We are 95% certain the high-pitched buzzing and flashing lights were an aggressive drone, and not, as my friend Dimbeswar claims, a 1993 Philips radio with dead batteries.”* The statement also noted that several rebels “ran for cover,” only to realize the Army’s so-called weaponized drone was actually just a savage swarm of mosquitoes.
Indian Army officials convened a press conference to address the claims: “Our drones are all present and accounted for. Most are still charging from being used to stream old episodes of ‘CID’ during lunch. Besides, if we actually dropped any bombs, the only thing we’d be hitting lately is the chai canteen’s samosa supply.”
Eyewitness accounts from the region are divided. One villager insisted, off the record, that he saw a flash on the horizon—but later admitted it could have been his cousin testing a new Instagram filter. Another source speculated the entire episode might just be an elaborate excuse by ULFA(I) for why their uniforms smell mysteriously of burnt popcorn.
With both sides firmly dug into their respective versions—“The Army is droning us!” versus “It wasn’t us, check our drone logbooks!”—experts say the truth may never come out. Or, as one Army engineer put it: “We’d have checked the drone footage, but the WiFi… you know how it is.”
By: TheJestPress.com
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