#Sandpocalypse #DustyDilemma #UNSandStorms #SweepingTheGlobe #GrainsOfTruth
By: TheJestPress.com
WORLDWIDE — Next time you roll your eyes at that thin coating of dust on your coffee table, just remember: you’re part of a 330-million-strong global community of dust enthusiasts, according to a shocking new report from the United Nations. In a revelation that has left allergy sufferers gasping (literally), the UN confirmed that sand and dust storms now impact over 150 countries and nearly half a billion unsuspecting vacuum owners.
“It’s really blowing out of proportion,” lamented Dr. Sandy Siltson, spokesperson for the UN’s Dusty Affairs Department. “We had no idea this many people would be getting grit in their teeth and cat litter in places we cannot mention.”
Epidemiologists are now urging people to take common sense precautions, like turning your living room into a hermetically sealed panic cube, or at the very least, implementing the ‘Canadian tuxedo’ of ponchos and snorkeling goggles before leaving the house.
The surge in sand and dust has also spawned a new breed of meteorologist: ‘Dust Forecasters.’ Their tools? Wind socks and a really big broom. “Next week, we predict a 90% chance of Sahara with a slight chance of random Arizona in your mailbox,” said local Dust Forecaster, Breezy McGritface.
Meanwhile, the cleaning industry is booming. Sales of air purifiers, canned air, and low-grade facial sandpaper have spiked. One enterprising entrepreneur launched “Dustbnb,” air-filtered yurts advertised as “allergy-proof (for an extra fee)!”
World governments are scrambling to respond. Australia is reportedly sending its surplus kangaroos to hop along the wind currents to “break up” the dust clouds, while Britain is simply resigning itself to inventing the world’s first tea-flavored dust.
As for us, experts suggest staying calm and embracing the fact that we are, quite literally, all eating the same dirt. Globalization, at last, tastes a little like the bottom of your shoe.
By: TheJestPress.com
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