#ElectionFatigue #2024Meltdown #NewsOverload #TherapyForAll #SatireNews
**New Research Reveals 2024 Election Emotionally Aged Young Americans by 37 Years**
By: TheJestPress.com
A groundbreaking study released this week confirmed what everyone’s therapist already knew: the 2024 U.S. presidential election has left young Americans emotionally resembling the cast of “Golden Girls”—if they all binge-watched cable news for eighteen straight months.
Researchers at the National Institute for Overstudied Societal Events tracked over 2,000 citizens aged 18-30 as they navigated the hellscape of debates, doomscrolling, and semi-coherent TikTok explainers. The results were clear: 97% reported feeling “emotionally drained,” while the remaining 3% had retreated to remote cabins, their phones only set to Airplane Mode.
Symptoms of Election Fatigue Syndrome (EFS) include:
— Hearing attack ads even in dreams
— Experiencing Pavlovian anxiety whenever someone mentions “breaking news”
— Uncontrollable eye-twitching when seeing graphs about anything
— A sudden, passionate dislike for mail-in ballots, yard signs, and any investigative reports referencing “the Heartland”
Sarah Polk, a 23-year-old barista, recounted her struggles: “It wasn’t just the debates. It was the waiting. My friends and I would sit at brunch scrolling updates, trading nervous memes like cigarettes in a prison yard.”
Ironically, the study also found that participants could no longer recall the original names of either 2024 candidate, simply referring to them as “That One Guy” and “Oh No, Not Again.”
As a preventive measure, doctors recommend a strict regimen of cat videos, online shopping, and conversations about anything but electoral college math.
With midterms looming, experts hope future elections will introduce mandatory cool-down periods, or at least feature more puppy content between political ads. For now, America’s youth can only pray for rain—so their campaign signs will finally decompose.
By: TheJestPress.com
Leave a comment