#SatiricalNews #FloridaMania #KillerCats #ViralCat #ScienceGoneWild
By: TheJestPress.com
**Florida Cat Nabs Second World-First Virus, Questions Raised Over Conflict of Interest**
Florida’s status as the nation’s leading source of weird news was further reinforced this week after researchers—hoping merely to track local biodiversity—found themselves holding two once-in-a-lifetime viruses, courtesy of a single household cat. Dr. Janice Flufferton, of the esteemed Alligator Swamp Zoology Institute, intended only to check her pet Loki for fleas, but instead discovered he’d once again delivered her scientific greatness…with dead things.
Hot off his big win bringing a jeilongvirus-infected rodent to a picnic last spring—causing what scientists called “significant excitement” among CDC staffers with nothing to do that day—Loki has now deposited an unfortunate shrew on Flufferton’s doorstep. Inside, researchers discovered not just remorse, but a heretofore unknown strain of orthoreovirus.
“I’m starting to suspect Loki is in cahoots with peer-reviewed journals,” remarked Dr. Flufferton, while Loki licked his paw and plotted to outpace Wiley Publishers in ‘impact factor.’
Controversy erupted immediately, with Twitter activists demanding Loki be enrolled at NIH and animal ethicists running seminars titled “Hero Cats or Grim Reapers: Who Gets Tenure?” One rival virologist grumbled, “We’ve been trapping for months. Meanwhile, Flufferton’s cat is going to start naming strains after his favorite brands of kibble.”
Florida State University, eager to cash in, has begun distributing “Loki: Feline Field Lab” lab coats for undergrads, and warns that feeding cats organic food may void your publication rights.
Eyewitnesses claim Loki has since been seen eyeing a raccoon, a suspiciously robust mosquito, and the governor’s discarded ham sandwich. CDC staffers are now less concerned with viral pandemics, and more about the implications of cats holding the keys to modern virology.
Stay tuned: If Loki coughs up a pangolin, scientists say they’re “bringing back witch trials.”
By: TheJestPress.com
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