#MiddleEastMayhem #InternationalIncident #DruzeDrama #BedouinBrouhaha #MakeSyriaChillAgain
By: TheJestPress.com
In what experts are now calling “Tuesday,” Israel launched its latest round of attacks on the Syrian military after accidentally overhearing the words “clash” and “deadly” in the same sentence uttered within a 500-mile radius.
Sources confirm that as Druze and Bedouin clans clashed violently in southern Syria over whose ancestors invented hummus, Israel took the opportunity to do what it does best: join the fight from a safe distance. “We heard some conflict over there and, well, we just had to get involved,” said an Israeli spokesperson while calibrating a drone via smartphone app. “We’d hate to miss out on Syria’s annual ‘chaos festival.’”
The Syrian military, reportedly occupied with keeping track of clan alliances using a 12-foot-long family tree and several PowerPoint slides, expressed confusion over the Israeli intervention. “Frankly, we can barely keep up with who’s fighting whom over here. Is it Tuesday? Is it next Tuesday? Is someone about to invent a new century-old grudge we have to remember?” said one Syrian general, looking exhausted.
Meanwhile, Bedouin and Druze spokesmen condemned Israel for not picking a side. “At least pick our clan!” demanded Druze leader Firas al-Suriyat. Bedouin representatives responded by releasing a strongly worded letter titled, “Seriously, Just Let Us Handle Our Own Ancient Grievances.”
UN officials scrambled to issue their 45th “deep concern” statement of the week. “We urge everyone to stop what they’re doing, think about what their grandfathers would say, and then issue a statement of slightly less concern,” said the UN.
As the world wonders if next Wednesday will bring “Deadly Skirmishes: The Musical,” regional analysts agree: in the Middle East, the only thing more consistent than ancient rivalries is somebody else trying to join the fight.
Stay tuned for Friday, when Jordan might issue a stern glance.
By: TheJestPress.com
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