#satirenews #kentucky #church #guncontrol #toosoon
**By: TheJestPress.com**
Kentucky, USA — In a turn of events that even the Lord Himself would describe as “extremely avoidable,” a local church service this Sunday took an unexpected detour from the usual complaints about the hymn selection to the sound of gunfire—proving yet again that, in America, even your soul isn’t safe without a bulletproof vest.
According to authorities, a gunman decided his weekend schedule could use some spice, warming up by shooting an officer before expressing his unique interpretation of “praying with passion” and opening fire in a house of worship. Parishioners quoted as saying, “Well, at least we’re all going to heaven now, one way or another,” declined further comment, presumably because one does not argue with irony on the Sabbath.
While Kentucky churches are usually known for bingo nights and sermons about resisting temptation (of all things, except fried chicken), Sunday’s service saw attendees facing a distinctly non-metaphorical Last Judgment. “Usually we pray for spiritual armor,” whispered one survivor, “but maybe we should’ve gone literal.”
Gun policy advocates were quick to enter their usual Call-and-Response mode. Pro-gun groups insisted the solution was more open carry in the pews (“Pastor shoulda packed heat!”), while gun control supporters called for background checks that include the question, “Would you, by any chance, ever consider Ebenezer Scrooge-ing your way through a church service with a firearm?”
On social media, Americans struggled to find an appropriate emoji for “thoughts and prayers, but also bewildered exhaustion.” News outlets briefly debated if this was Parody or Reality, but ultimately just copy-pasted last week’s tragedy template, pausing only to update the location.
As authorities investigate, congregations everywhere consider switching the sign from “All Welcome” to “All Welcome—Except Maybe Gunmen. Seriously.”
**By: TheJestPress.com**
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