#PoliceReformNow #JusticeForAll #SatireNews #BodycamBlunders #HeadScratching
By: TheJestPress.com
In an unprecedented display of courage, the Smalltown Police Department revealed yesterday that they are “reviewing procedures internally” after a newly released bodycam video showed officers fatally shooting unarmed 19-year-old, Martin Wright, in the back of the head as he looked for his dropped earbuds.
The Wright family is demanding justice after Police Chief Barry McStuffins stated, “If you squint and turn the footage upside down, it almost looks like Martin was about to threaten the officer’s clipboard. Clipboard-related assaults are up 0.03% this quarter.” Local authorities insist the officer was “acting in accordance with department policy,” which apparently includes shooting anyone who reaches behind them, bends at the waist, sneezes near a badge, or has an uncanny resemblance to someone who once jaywalked in 2010.
When pressed for comment, City Mayor Linda Gentry assured citizens, “We will not rest until we have released a strongly worded statement with the font size increased by two points, and possibly send the officer to a three-hour seminar entitled ‘When Not to Do That.’”
Meanwhile, the police union has rallied to support the unnamed officer, reminding the public not to “rush to judgment just because there’s overwhelming, crystal-clear video evidence and two dozen eyewitnesses with matching stories.” Sergeant Joe Protest added, “Let’s let the facts speak for themselves, right after we finish redacting 67 of the video’s 68 minutes for ‘national security reasons.’”
The Wright family’s legal team has vowed to continue pushing for real answers, but when reached, the city council said they are currently “out of office, enjoying coffee with Star Wars memes.”
Citizens are encouraged to peacefully protest in the designated ‘free speech parking space’ behind City Hall’s dumpster—right where the police can safely ignore them.
By: TheJestPress.com
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