#Starbucks #RemoteWork #CorporateComedy #Relocation #Officedrama
By: TheJestPress.com
**Starbucks to Remote Employees: “We Need You Back, And Maybe Closer”**
In a bold move that shocked both coffee addicts and hermit millennials everywhere, Starbucks announced this week that it’s officially taking aim at remote work, declaring, “Some of you need to relocate, preferably back near our headquarters — so we know you’re actually working, not just in your pajamas.”
A scalding memo from corporate headquarters in Seattle, written entirely in Comic Sans to seem approachable, outlined the plan: “After reviewing ten million hours of muted Zoom meetings and noticing a 400% increase in ‘technical difficulties’ right before deadlines, Starbucks leadership concluded more employees must return to HQ. Or at the very least, within frappuccino-throwing distance.”
The implied threat of caffeine withdrawal was immediate. Sources report local Target cafes experiencing an influx of panic-stricken Starbucks partners, clutching laptops and gingerbread syrup while muttering, “I just need Wi-Fi that isn’t shared with my cat anymore!”
Several employees, shocked by the relocation demand, pointed out that not everyone has the resources to just up and move to Seattle. Starbucks replied by offering “generous assistance,” including a $5 Starbucks gift card “good at any location, even the rivals across the street.”
When asked why they’re forcing a return, Starbucks cited “the importance of face-to-face synergy, stronger hand-crafted latte art, and ensuring that meetings include at least one person who brings biscotti for morale.” Insiders say Starbucks leadership also grew suspicious after one employee submitted a quarterly budget spreadsheet in haiku form.
The coffee giant assures all current remote workers “your jobs are safe, unless of course, you refuse to move closer — then we’ll find you a place behind the counter where the only ‘remote’ is for the drive-thru speaker.”
Will employees uproot everything for the chance to sample the headquarters’ exclusive Unicorn Macchiato, or will Starbucks discover their workforce has already relocated to Dunkin’?
Stay tuned. Or just join the next Zoom call. If it connects.
By: TheJestPress.com
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