#NicotineNonsense #BabyBlunders #TotsVsTobacco #ParentalPanic #SatireNews
By: TheJestPress.com
**Wave Bye-Bye to Baby-Proofing: Nicotine Poisonings Are the New Toddler Trend**
Forget Tide Pods—2024’s hottest kiddie craze is **vaping juice cocktails**! Parents across the nation are sounding the alarm as nicotine poisonings in babies and toddlers soar to record highs, proving that the only thing more irresistible to a two-year-old than crayons is mom’s suspiciously fruity e-cigarette juice.
“It was just sitting there on the coffee table, right next to the remote and my kale-chip recipe book,” said local mom Kennedy P.; “I only looked away for a second to post a photo of my toddler’s avocado toast, and when I looked back, he’d gone full ‘Nicotine Negroni.’”
Experts are weighing in. Dr. Stan Mist, pediatrician and reluctant TikTok star, said, “We’re seeing a rise in cases where the patient’s first words were ‘cool mint’ and ‘blue raspberry cloud.’ It’s a dangerous trend, but at least it beats ‘Baby Shark.’”
The CDC’s advice is clear: stop treating vape juice like artisanal olive oil and put it **somewhere your child can’t reach,** like your neighbor’s house or beneath the existential dread in your soul. Meanwhile, baby product companies are brainstorming new gear, including “NicoBlock” sippy cups and the “Binky Buddy: Now with Carbon Filters.”
Toddlers, when interviewed, had little to say—mostly due to a newfound buzz and an inability to focus on anything that wasn’t shaped like a grape popsicle.
Congress is expected to act by 2039. Until then, parents are urged to keep all nicotine products out of reach, out of sight, and possibly out of the Milky Way Galaxy if possible. As for retailers, they’re working fast on a new warning label: **“If your baby can’t read this, grab your vape juice before they do.”**
By: TheJestPress.com
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