#Satire #UkraineCrisis #TariffTantrum #TrumpTalks #DiplomacyDrama
By: TheJestPress.com
In a bold display of both foreign policy and time management skills, former President Donald Trump announced that the United States would slap tariffs on Russia if a Ukraine peace deal isn’t reached within precisely 50 days. “We calculated 50 using the best, bigly numerology,” Trump explained, standing next to a large, mysterious hourglass and what commentators are calling “a deeply confused bald eagle.”
Trump, who famously once tried to pay for NATO with a Trump Steak gift card, revealed his new ultimatum at a rally/impromptu yard sale in Ohio. “Vladimir Putin’s had YEARS to fix this, but when I put a timer on, people suddenly get very serious,” Trump claimed, before adding: “Trust me, I know a thing or two about deadline deals from my time on The Apprentice. You have to scare people with a countdown. Works every time, except with Omarosa.”
Rumors that Trump will personally select which Russian goods to tariff (and autograph each list with a Sharpie) have not been confirmed. Insiders say he is strongly considering tariffs on “any vodka not served with caviar” and “large hats.” Trump explained, “We can’t just target oil and gas—we gotta hit them where it hurts: nesting dolls and Tetris.”
The White House’s current administration has not yet responded to Trump’s self-imposed “tariff clock,” although sources say President Biden is “open to the idea of timers, but only for cookies.”
Meanwhile, Russian officials have reacted coolly, with one diplomat stating, “In Russia, we use stopwatch, but only to time how quickly we ignore America’s tariffs.”
As the 50-day clock begins ticking—possibly powered by leftover Trump University clocks—global leaders nervously await whether an economic showdown or merely another season of “Diplomatic Apprentice” will follow.
Stay tuned for Day 49—when Trump premieres the official Tariff Countdown playlist.
By: TheJestPress.com
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