#LegalHumor #UndeadLaw #ObjectionOverruled #ZombieRights #SatireNews
By: TheJestPress.com
In a landmark ruling that will undoubtedly send shivers down the spines of both horror movie directors and aspiring necromancers, the Court of Appeal confirmed today that it is, in fact, not possible to legally kill a person who is already dead.
The case, known as *Common Sense v. Obviousness*, arose after an enterprising defense attorney argued that his client, Count Vlad “Vamp” Va’Death, should be acquitted of “double homicide” on the grounds that the victims—who were, reportedly, “as dead as a Netflix password sharing policy”—were already deceased at the time of their second demise.
“We had to look into centuries of legal precedent,” said Judge Andrea “the Stake” Stakeholder. “Turns out, there isn’t a single statute on the books for ‘re-murdering’ someone. Even *Clue* only lets you kill Mr. Boddy once.”
The court’s 87-page opinion cited everything from ancient Mesopotamian law to the script of *The Sixth Sense*, ultimately concluding that while modern medicine has made remarkable advances, “re-killing” falls outside both ethical norms and plausible reality.
“Once someone’s heart, lungs, and Netflix subscription have expired, we believe they have shuffled off this mortal coil for good. Our jurisdiction does not extend to the afterlife, limbo, or the Marvel Cinematic Universe,” clarified the court.
Legal scholars hailed the clarity of the decision. “It’s a relief,” said Professor Lilith Graves of Hemlock Law School. “Now, at least, we know that Bill from accounting can’t claim he was killed twice just because he sits through two budget meetings in a row.”
Meanwhile, the National Zombie Rights Association expressed disappointment, stating, “We had high hopes for legal recognition. Guess we’ll just keep dying inside at every Halloween party.”
No word yet on whether the court will next address the controversial status of Schrödinger’s cat.
By: TheJestPress.com
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