#YetiGate #SeminarySquabbles #CryptidControversy #FaithAndFur #TheJestPress
By: TheJestPress.com
DENVER, CO — A beloved local seminary, known previously for its respectful discourse and scandal-free potlucks, has found itself snowed under by the world’s most unexpected theological controversy: the so-called “Yeti Blood Oath.”
What started as an offhand joke in Professor Milt Bryerson’s Wednesday night “World Religions and Cryptids” seminar has escalated into an all-out doctrinal snowball fight. “I merely suggested that if you really want to cement your faith, try swearing a secret oath with something woolier than your church choir,” said Bryerson, now on paid leave and hiding in an undisclosed igloo.
Half the students reportedly took the comment literally, donning faux fur, and solemnly reciting vows to “uphold the mysteries of the Abominable One” over a hot mug of Yak butter chai. “It’s about connection,” claimed sophomore Tabitha Samuels, now sporting a necklace of questionable white hair. “Some people embrace the Lamb of God, we like the Shaggy Beast of the Rockies.”
The seminary administration quickly responded, warning: “Please keep all cryptid blood oaths extracurricular and refrain from summoning snowbound mammals in the chapel.”
But lines are drawn. There are now three camps: Team Yeti Oath, Team Old Testament, and Team Just Here for Free Donuts. Tensions erupted during last Thursday’s bake sale, when Yeti Oath adherents insisted on gluten-free, frostbitten scones “in solidarity with our cold-footed brethren.”
Denver clergy, always seeking neutral ground, suggested a compromise: “A ceremonial foot washing for those with abnormally large footprints—no blood, no beast, just plenty of holy water and a few lint rollers.”
For now, the seminary’s motto has quietly changed to: “Walking by faith, not by sight…and definitely not by beastly footprints.” The mystery remains: will reconciliation ever thaw out, or will the Yeti Blood Oath remain Denver’s hairiest theological debate yet?
By: TheJestPress.com
Leave a comment