#KevinSpacey #EpsteinFiles #HollywoodScandal #TransparencyNow #Satire
By: TheJestPress.com
In shocking news that nobody saw coming (because nobody asked), disgraced actor Kevin Spacey interrupted his daily seclusion to break his silence on global issues, raising eyebrows and monocles worldwide. At a hastily organized press conference in the dimly lit corner of a basement (his preferred habitat, sources say), Spacey, flanked by his publicist and a steadily wilting ficus plant, demanded, “Release the Epstein files!”
Reporters, confused whether they were watching a House of Cards reboot or the world’s darkest improv show, hesitated before prodding Spacey for clarification. “All I’m saying is, people deserve to know who was on that island,” said Spacey, casually shuffling a deck of ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ cards.
When asked if this sudden urge for transparency had anything to do with personal connections or self-preservation, Spacey responded, “I believe in truth. Especially if it doesn’t involve me. But, hypothetically, if a Kevin S. with a love for drama appears, that’s definitely Kevin Sorbo.”
Spacey then suggested that the release of the Epstein files would restore faith in the entertainment industry, “or at least distract people from my career choices.” Citing the need for “sunlight as a disinfectant,” he refrained from addressing how much sunlight he personally avoids.
In response to Spacey’s statement, Hollywood quickly issued a group text: “BRB, moving to Canada.” Meanwhile, QAnon conspiracy theorists updated their vision boards, and Netflix declined to comment, although an anonymous staffer whispered, “At this point, we’d greenlight literally anything.”
Spacey concluded the conference by announcing he plans to be the face of the transparency movement, unless Tom Hanks is available.
In unrelated news, Jeffrey Epstein remains unavailable for comment—but so does Kevin Sorbo.
By: TheJestPress.com
Leave a comment