#ColdCaseClosed #NHNews #TrueCrime #BackFromTheDeadlines #MarlboroughMystery
By: TheJestPress.com
MARLBOROUGH, NH – In news proving that nothing says “better late than never” quite like New Hampshire police, authorities have finally identified a woman found dead in Marlborough—first discovered back in the disco era of 1974. The identity revelation comes after a staggering 50 years, dozens of advances in technology, and an even higher number of failed attempts at guessing.
“We’d been narrowing it down to either ‘someone’s aunt’ or ‘possibly someone’s neighbor,’ but recent DNA testing finally gave us a name,” said Detective Lou Slouthe, appearing both triumphant and slightly confused by the smartphone he was holding upside down. “Turns out forensic science did the work that none of us had the patience for, which is also how I choose restaurants now.”
The woman, once known locally as “Mystery Jane” (and to some as “That Ghost Who Haunts Route 124”), is now officially identified, disappointing generations of conspiracy theorists who were convinced she was everything from a lost Beatle to Amelia Earhart in disguise.
Local Marlborough resident Doris Tims weighed in: “Well, I’m glad we finally know, but it’s going to be weird not having our annual ‘Who Was She?’ bake sale. That was our biggest tourism draw after the world’s largest left-handed squirrel.”
State officials now plan to update a staggering backlog of similarly unsolved mysteries, just as soon as they’ve finished reading all their emails from the ‘90s. “With today’s technology, we’re sure we can solve the rest of these cold cases in only 50 to 60 more years,” said the Marlborough chief, while adding his email address: aol-nh-police@dialup.com.
In related news, police remind the public not to wait 50 years to report a missing person. “If someone vanishes, please call us sooner. Unless you actually like mysteries. In which case, see you in 2074!”
By: TheJestPress.com
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