#Satire #RealNewsIsWeird #MiddleEastProblems #InternationalOutrage #DruzeDrama
By: TheJestPress.com
**Syrian Regime Responds to War Crimes Allegations With “Totally New Level of Brutality”—Orders Staff to Innovate Cruelty**
DAMASCUS—In a move that shocked precisely no one, Syrian regime forces have reportedly “adopted brutal tactics,” according to international investigators who have apparently never read a single news headline from the last decade.
Eyewitness accounts claim Druze civilians were targeted in a baffling attempt by the Assad regime to spice up their greatest hits catalog of human rights violations. “They’ve been doing Regular Brutality for years, so I guess they felt it was time for a remix,” said one anonymous observer, adjusting his helmet and existential dread.
When asked about the mounting evidence, the Syrian Ministry of Brutality denied all accusations with their trademark subtlety: “We deny these reports and invite everyone to our national optics festival, where all mirrors are banned.”
Meanwhile, regime spokesperson Basher al-Euphemism insisted the report is “fake news, probably written by foreign agents or that one neighbor who mows his lawn too early on Fridays.” He did, however, confirm that the army recently participated in “Operation Terrible PR,” but stressed that the pamphlets for “Adoption of Brutal Tactics” were only meant as motivational posters for the office break room.
International leaders expressed their horror by gathering in Geneva to issue a strongly worded tweet. The United Nations offered to deploy their patented Blue Helmet Blank Stare tactic, which involves looking really concerned while nothing changes.
At press time, local Druze communities were reportedly “deeply unimpressed” by the regime’s creativity, noting, “They could at least try watercolors for once.”
Experts predict that the regime’s next tactic will be adopting brutal hashtags, such as #InnovateYourOppression and #TryHarderDictatorship, as part of their ongoing public relations disaster.
By: TheJestPress.com
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