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By: TheJestPress.com
In a surprising move that left at least three Home Office officials choking on their Earl Grey, the UK government has heroically announced plans to start processing Syrian asylum claims again, after a well-deserved sabbatical that lasted almost as long as the average BBC drama.
On Tuesday, officials confirmed that “processing” would resume “imminently,” though insiders clarified that in bureaucratic terms, “imminently” is interchangeable with “after we’ve all had a nice cuppa and a long sit down.” Prime Minister Rishi Sunak assured the public, “No one values efficiency more than Britain—as long as it doesn’t interfere with lunch breaks, tea breaks, or any other breaks, really.”
The move follows mounting pressure from organizations like Amnesty International, as well as that one bloke on Twitter with the cucumber avatar. The Home Office’s new plan includes a high-tech innovation: actually reading the application forms. “We think reading them, rather than just stacking them in the break room to steady the wobbly table, could really speed things up,” explained a spokes-official.
To ensure fairness, applications will be processed in strict order of how many times they’ve been lost in the post. “We feel this is the British way,” said one administrator, “as it balances tradition with chaos in perfect harmony.”
The Home Office further clarified that asylum seekers will now be eligible for a commemorative tea towel, awarded after their application has been pending longer than the Queen’s reign. Some applicants, when reached for comment, expressed cautious optimism: “Maybe this year will be the year. Or at least the decade.”
Reports suggest that the new policy was announced the same day the Prime Minister accidentally wandered into the asylum processing department while looking for the biscuit tin.
Stay tuned for more updates, presumably right after our own tea break.
By: TheJestPress.com
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