#DataGoneWild #TrustTheData #HealthSecrets #StatisticallySuspicious #TransparencyTuesday
By: TheJestPress.com
In a bold move to streamline inefficiency (and perhaps reality itself), U.S. government agencies have been caught doing what everyone does during spring cleaning: hiding questionable stuff under the rug and pretending it was never there.
A new study alleges that over 100 major public health datasets mysteriously transformed this spring without so much as a “Guess what we changed now!” email. Apparently, instead of alerting scientists, doctors, or, you know, the people whose lives depend on this information, officials decided to try out the “Surprise! It’s different!” approach popularized by toddler hide-and-seek players everywhere.
Leading the charge, the Department of Health and Human Services explained, “The American people asked for transparency, so we made the data invisible.”
For instance, the previous CDC statistic, “99% of toddlers eat crayons,” has been replaced with “99% of toddlers lead fully operational Fortune 500 tech startups,” but nobody noticed. Elsewhere, opioid overdose numbers are now conveniently reported in units of “feel-good vibes” instead of boring old deaths per 100,000 people. One dataset quietly inserted a new column, “Number of times Dr. Fauci’s name was mentioned in a meme this quarter,” because metrics matter.
Public health researchers, who previously planned to use this data to end disease as we know it, are now reportedly considering careers in medieval astrology, since planetary alignments are starting to feel more reliable. “We downloaded the CDC’s flu data from February and now it’s just a picture of a raccoon holding a sign that says, ‘To Be Updated,’” lamented a confused epidemiologist.
The government has promised a “comprehensive review” of all altered datasets, or, at minimum, a fun crossword puzzle for data scientists to pass the time. In the meantime, Americans are advised to keep calm, wash their hands, and maybe start carrying a magic eight-ball for all medical inquiries.
By: TheJestPress.com
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