#VapeEscape #QuittersClub #NicotineNoggin #SmokeScreen #UnsureIfBreathing
By: TheJestPress.com
**Breaking: Vaping Helps More People Quit Smoking, But May Just Have Invented New Hobby, Say Scientists**
In a world-first study funded by the Department of Quitting Cold Turkeys, researchers have discovered that vaping is significantly more effective than chewing gum and sucking on lozenges at helping socially disadvantaged people quit smoking. This groundbreaking research arrives just in time for the post-pandemic era, where everybody was looking for a new bad habit anyway.
According to the study, 58% of successful quitters were still vaping six months later, but researchers remain totally, utterly, and wonderfully unsure about the long-term safety, or even if anyone remembers what their natural lung color looks like.
Lead scientist Dr. Vanna Puff remarked: “Compared to chewing on tasteless, supposedly ‘mint’ gum, vaping gives participants not just the illusion of quitting, but something to fiddle with at bus stops—without leaving tooth marks.”
Participants report their experiences as overwhelmingly positive. One former smoker, now full-time cloud-chaser, told our reporters: “I can quit cigarettes anytime now! I just need a couple more watermelon blast refills and a new charger cable.” Medical experts are currently researching a potential outbreak of USB charger anxiety.
Meanwhile, gum and lozenges manufacturers have banded together to launch new flavors, such as ‘Sad Menthol’ and ‘Nicotine-Adjacent Banana,’ in an effort to compete.
Public health officials warn that, technically, trading Marlboros for Mango Fog is “not exactly running a marathon,” but admit at least the subway stations smell less like burnt tobacco and more like Skittles having an existential crisis.
As long-term safety remains a literal shrug, researchers recommend “checking back in a decade, give or take.” Meanwhile, the only certainty we have is an entirely new reason for your car’s USB ports to be on fire.
By: TheJestPress.com
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