#DustinForPresident #FowlPlay #EireElection #TurkeyTakesCharge #FeathersInPower
By: TheJestPress.com
In a move that has both ruffled feathers and inspired poultry across Ireland, Dustin the Turkey, beloved sock puppet and national feathered treasure, announced this morning his intention to run for President of Ireland in the upcoming election.
Clucking confidently at a press conference held outside a well-known Dublin chipper, Dustin declared, “It’s time for a turkey in the Áras. We’ve tried geese, we’ve tried snakes, but have we tried birds with taste? I’m the only candidate guaranteed *not* to goose the budget—just peck at it gently.”
When pressed about key policies, Dustin promised to “bring more free bread rolls to the people,” introduce mandatory dancing to 90s Euro-pop at all important state functions, and institute a radical “No Foxes Allowed” policy for government meetings, citing security concerns. “Also, I will fight high rents,” he said, “mainly because it’s impossible to find a nest these days in Dublin.”
Rival politicians responded with mixed reactions. Leo Varadkar was spotted googling “turkey impeachment,” while Sinn Féin’s Mary Lou McDonald welcomed the ‘diversity of fowl perspectives.’ Meanwhile, sitting President Michael D. Higgins reportedly remarked, “I welcome all candidates, even those with wingspans surpassing my own hair.”
As to whether this is just a publicity stunt, Dustin was clear: “This isn’t about attention for me. It’s about attention for all turkeys, ducks, and the occasional confused pheasant. If elected, I promise Ireland will gobble up prosperity!”
Insiders at RTE worry, however, that Dustin’s nomination might spark other puppet candidacies, with Bosco rumored to seek a ministerial position and Zig and Zag forming a new party—P.A.F., the Party of Alienated Felt.
Pollsters predict a tight race. One voter said, “He can’t be worse than some of the other gobblers we’ve had.” Irish politics: never a dull beak!
By: TheJestPress.com
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