#Satire #MetaLawsuit #Zuckerbucks #ShareholderShowdown #MetaverseMess
By: TheJestPress.com
Meta Shareholders Sue Mark Zuckerberg for Only $8 Billion, Citing Emotional Damage from Metaverse Avatars
MENLO PARK, CA — It’s the lawsuit nobody saw coming… except, according to sources, literally everyone who owns a Meta stock certificate and has ever worn a VR headset shaped like a breadmaker. In a bold and not-at-all desperate move, Meta shareholders have slapped Mark Zuckerberg with an $8 billion lawsuit, alleging “emotional distress, involuntary eye-rolling, and irreparable fashion sense loss” directly caused by the company’s recent digital blunders.
The plaintiffs’ legal team delivered the lawsuit in the most Meta way possible: as awkward, lifeless avatars in a glitchy virtual courtroom, which unfortunately crashed mid-opening statement. “We have suffered enough,” read the first line of the complaint, “from endless rebrands, floating cartoon torsos, and whatever Mark tried to do with his hair at the last developer conference.”
Zuckerberg, reportedly caught off guard only because he was busy programming more realistic blinking animations for the Metaverse, issued a statement: “I am shocked—shocked!—that people don’t want to live in a Roblox knockoff I spent $36 billion on.” He then reportedly attempted to distract shareholders with a limited-edition NFT of his own facial expression—subtle panic.
“As shareholders, we expected flying cars and Neo’s sunglasses—not lower back pain from VR helmets and cartoon hands that look like pool noodles,” lamented one investor. Another added, “I personally blame Mark for convincing me my grandma would visit me as an avatar and not just send me a mildly passive-aggressive Facebook poke.”
Industry analysts say the $8 billion figure is a compromise: enough to cover lost investments but not so much that Zuckerberg would have to sell his backup hoverboard.
Meta stock soared 2% on the news, as investors celebrated finally having a reason to blame someone other than themselves.
By: TheJestPress.com
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