#Satire #HealthcareLOL #BigTobaccoPlaybook #UniversalCoverage #LobbyGoneWild
By: TheJestPress.com
**Private Health Lobby Copies Big Tobacco PR Secrets—Next Step, Joe Camel in a Lab Coat?**
In a recent revelation less surprising than a hospital bill containing mystery fees, a new study has confirmed that America’s private health industry lobby group is smoking the same old playbook as Big Tobacco—right down to the emotional marketing, misleading statistics, and that faint smell of menthol.
Outraged critics claim the only thing missing is a cartoon mascot named “Doctor Nick O’Teen.” In fact, insiders say the next health insurance ad campaign might feature a charming stethoscope-wearing raccoon explaining that universal health coverage leads directly to boredom in waiting rooms and, possibly, socialism in your breakfast cereal.
The lobby group’s techniques include emotionally-charged TV spots about “freedom of choice”—specifically, the freedom to choose between bankruptcy and untreated gout. One recent ad featured an apple pie weeping as a bureaucrat snatched it away, while a voice-over whispered, “Do you want Grandma’s recipe… or government red tape?”
Lobbyists reportedly instruct spokespeople to call people in Canada and France “unbelievably unhealthy” and “dangerously unfree” at every opportunity. “Americans need to feel good about being the only high-income country without universal health insurance,” one consultant stated. “Why fit in with Luxembourg just to avoid bankruptcy when you could be different?”
When asked for comment, a spokesperson for the Association of Choice for Always Loving Expensive Deductibles (ACALED) said, “Letting everyone have coverage is like handing out candy cigarettes—sure, it starts innocent, but soon people expect affordable insulin and, next thing you know, we’re all speaking metric.”
In unrelated news, the same study found that seven out of ten Americans believe “universal coverage” is just a new Netflix show they keep meaning to binge.
By: TheJestPress.com
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