#Satire #PutinLeaks #EvilPlans #Ukraine #WorldNews
By: TheJestPress.com
**Leaked Documents Reveal Putin’s Sinister Vision for Ukraine**
In a development that has shocked international diplomats, amused group chats, and panicked local babushkas, newly leaked documents have laid bare Vladimir Putin’s true, utterly diabolical plans for Ukraine – and possibly his quest to finally complete his collection of Eastern European real estate magnets.
The top-secret files, delivered by an anonymous whistleblower known only as “Deep Bear,” detail Putin’s meticulous vision for Ukraine’s future under his enlightened guidance. Some highlights include the mandatory addition of borscht to every McDonald’s Happy Meal, the installation of golden shirtless Putin statues in every Kyiv roundabout, and the replacement of all traffic lights with stern KGB officers holding “Stop” signs.
But it doesn’t end there. The plans propose merging Ukrainian folk dances with Russian TikTok trends, a new “Ukrainian Cosmonaut Squad” (conscription mandatory for anyone under 85), and converting the Black Sea into a giant Olympic curling rink – because “why not, nature is for the weak,” according to the allegedly authentic, hand-signed memo.
The mastermind strategy also includes a rebranding campaign for Ukrainian cities: Kyiv to “Kyivgrad, City of Slightly Shorter Winters,” Odesa to “New St. Petersburg but With Better Beaches,” and Lviv simply to “Lviv-Not-Quite-Poland.” A special note suggests constructing a border fence made entirely from Matryoshka dolls to encourage “international curiosity and Instagrammability.”
International analysts are quick to deride Putin’s vision as a wild fantasy, but a Kremlin spokesperson remained stoic. “President Putin only wants what’s best for everyone, especially himself,” she declared before riding away on a bear.
For now, the world waits, Ukrainians practice their curling, and McDonald’s franchises across Ukraine hastily source bulk beets, just in case.
By: TheJestPress.com
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