#Russia #Trump #UkraineWar #SatireNews #Diplomacy
By: TheJestPress.com
MOSCOW—After former President Donald Trump issued his latest Ukraine War ultimatum—something about “ending it in 24 hours if everybody just listens to me”—Russian officials and state media delivered a unified, highly nuanced response: “We don’t care.”
At a press conference attended by at least three confused diplomats and a life-size Vladimir Putin cardboard cutout, Kremlin spokesperson Sergei Chestikov clarified Russia’s position. “We remain focused on our special operation. As for Trump’s statements, we have trained ourselves to ignore American ex-presidents who communicate through social media and golf metaphors.” Chestikov then nervously glanced at the cardboard Putin, who gave nothing away.
Meanwhile, Russian state media flooded the airwaves with hard-hitting coverage of the real issues gripping the nation, such as the World Chess Championship and celebrity bear-wrestling scandals. “Trump says he can fix Ukraine in 24 hours, but he also said he could fix a leaky roof in 24 hours, and we all saw what happened to the Mar-a-Lago ballroom,” noted Channel 5 anchor Olga Ivanovna, between segments on cabbage recipes and sanctioned disco music.
On Russian Twitter—known locally as “Sparrow”—the #WeDontCare trend quickly overtook #PutinWorkoutVideos. One influential account wrote, “Trump is like that guy at work who promises to fix the copier, but somehow burns down the whole office kitchen instead.”
Geopolitical analysts in Moscow remain certain of one thing: if you ignore a problem long enough, maybe it goes away, or at least gets buried under enough sanctions and propaganda to be forgotten. “The only ultimatum we care about is our deadline to decide whether borscht or vodka is more essential to national security,” said Russian policy expert Leonid Ivanovich.
As Trump continues to issue ultimatums and Russia continues not to care, a rare spirit of cross-border agreement has seemingly emerged: “Nobody cares—let’s go make pancakes.”
By: TheJestPress.com
Leave a comment