#USvsRussia #WorldWarWeary #DiplomacyIsSo2019 #ZelenskyMicDrop #PutinPanic
By: TheJestPress.com
KYIV – Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky has dropped another truth bomb this week, and this time it’s not on the battlefield—it’s on international television. In a bold statement sure to make Vlad “the Shirtless” Putin choke on his morning borscht, Zelensky declared, “Putin is afraid of America.” Sources close to the Russian president report that after hearing Zelensky’s remarks, Putin added an extra lock to his bedroom door and switched his security detail to American ex-Mall cops, for authenticity.
“Diplomacy?” Zelensky continued, “Have you ever seen Putin’s face at a peace summit? The last time, he looked like someone swapped his vodka with almond milk.” According to Zelensky, the only thing Putin fears more than democracy is an American weapons shipment labeled “Some Assembly Required.”
In response, U.S. officials are reportedly divided over two plans: flooding Eastern Europe with more missiles, or simply mailing Putin a DVD set of every Fast & Furious movie to remind him how things get handled in Hollywood—and, by extension, in diplomacy. Ukrainian citizens, meanwhile, have taken up the chant “More Tanks, Less Talks!”—which, coincidentally, rhymes better in Ukrainian.
Kremlin insiders say Putin’s new strategy to cope with this American weapons anxiety is to experiment with reverse psychology. “If you’re so strong, come over here and invade me!” he mumbled sarcastically on a recent Zoom call with his generals, while nervously stroking a novelty “World’s Best Dictator” mug.
As the arms race heats up and everyone’s wallets cool down, one thing is certain: the best way to scare Putin isn’t with tough negotiations, but with a note inside a Javelin missile crate that reads, “With Love, Uncle Sam.”
And the world waits with bated breath for the moment Putin upgrades his anti-American armor… to a lead-lined Snuggie.
By: TheJestPress.com
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