#MindControl #ToxoTakeover #DopamineDrama #BrainInvader #CatConspiracy
By: TheJestPress.com
**Experts Warn: Parasite Secretly Running Human Race—Explains Everything About Your Ex**
In an alarming (yet weirdly validating) revelation this week, scientists confirmed that the parasite *Toxoplasma gondii*—once dismissed as “that thing from cats”—is actually rewriting the rulebook for human behavior. Research now shows this microscopic influencer pumps up the brain’s dopamine, sparking aggression, poor impulse control, and an inexplicable urge to answer “You up?” texts.
“Up to 80% of humans over 60 could be carrying T. gondii,” declared Dr. Lila Scherzinger, renowned for blaming exotic maladies for her own questionable life choices. “Just imagine! Nearly everyone’s grandma is potentially one parasite away from a bender in Vegas.”
The ground-breaking parasite, which is primarily contracted from undercooked meat or cat snuggles, has been linked to boldness, recklessness, and an increased chance of failing a ‘Don’t Text Your Ex’ challenge. Side effects appear especially pronounced in those most likely to already enjoy EDM festivals and gas station sushi.
Coincidence? Behavioral experts think not. “T. gondii may be why Uncle Frank has started BASE jumping and why Karen from accounting keeps texting her Pilates instructor at 2 AM,” said Scherzinger. “Forget blaming millennials or Gen Z for impulsive decisions—blame *the* cat. Or at least its poop.”
There’s also mounting suspicion the parasite could be influencing global events. “The last four years of world politics make so much more sense now,” claimed one conspiracy theorist. “If anyone asks why you were dancing on the conference table or accepted an invitation to a pyramid scheme, just say, ‘It was the toxo talking.’”
In response, pharmaceutical companies have announced a new supplement: “DeToxopill—For When You Actually *Didn’t* Mean To.” Side effects may include improved judgment, loss of plausible deniability, and being less fun at parties.
Pets, meanwhile, continue to stare out the window, plotting, smug in the knowledge that their work here is (almost) done.
By: TheJestPress.com
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