#EbikeBan #ParentingFails #ChulaVistaNews #KidsOnWheels #TheJestPress
**By: TheJestPress.com**
Following a tragic incident involving an e-bike, Chula Vista lawmakers have boldly decided to do what parents never could—tell kids “NO” and actually mean it.
On Tuesday night, in a move that shocked absolutely no one (except maybe a few 11-year-old daredevils), the Chula Vista City Council advanced a ban preventing children under 12 from riding electric bikes. This came after officials realized that giving a second grader a motorized vehicle capable of overtaking a Prius was, in retrospect, maybe not the best idea.
City spokesperson Melanie “Put The Phone Down And Listen” Rodriguez explained, “Our research shows kids under 12 have a combined total of three brain cells when it comes to traffic safety. Most lose two of those after watching YouTube prank videos. This ban is essential, not just for safety, but for the sanity of local drivers.”
Twelve-year-old Keegan MacGillicuddy, seen revving his e-bike outside City Hall, delivered a scathing critique of the decision: “This is, like, oppression, or whatever. Next thing you know, they’ll ban Fortnite in school zones.”
Experts say the ban is actually part of a new three-phase plan. Phase one: ban e-bikes for kids. Phase two: enforce helmet requirements by making helmets look as uncool as possible. Phase three: Install citywide “Slow Down, Timmy!” speed bumps dusted with Skittles to attract children away from the road.
Local businesses have already responded by releasing new “Under-12 E-Bike Ban Edition” bicycles—now featuring pedals, foam wheels, and absolutely zero street cred.
For parents, the ban offers some relief: Now, when your child says, “But it’s not fair!” you can blame the government instead of your own lack of authority, which is frankly a win for everyone.
Stay tuned for Chula Vista’s next legislative move: Will they finally outlaw children leaving LEGOs in high-traffic living room zones? We can only hope.
**By: TheJestPress.com**
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