#FundingFreudFrenzy #PBSansFunds #NPRNightmare #SesameStreetSquatters #TaxpayerTears
By: TheJestPress.com
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congress took a major leap closer to defunding public media this week, prompting millions of Americans to frantically dust off their old boomboxes, teach their grandmothers how to download podcasts, and Google “How to spot fake news without Car Talk.”
In a tense vote totally unrelated to lawmakers’ unshakable desire to own gold-plated fundraising tote bags, the House Appropriations Committee recommended turning off the financial tap for the venerable NPR, PBS, and that weird local station still airing British dramas from 1987.
“We believe Americans are finally ready to get their news directly from unverified social media posts, YouTube men in camo, and accidentally overheard conversations at the DMV,” boasted Senator Chuck Valuez (R-Everytown). “Y’all don’t need All Things Considered—you just need all things conspiratored.”
Longtime public media fans are in shock. “If they defund NPR, what will I complain about in the car now?” asked Millennial listener Ari Kaplan. “Commercial radio only gives me three choices: angry rants, auto-tuned pop, or ten thousand Geico ads. At least Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me disguised the chaos with puns!”
PBS hosts were no less rattled: Big Bird’s agent reportedly demanded hazard pay, while Bob Ross spun in his grave at “the audacity of happy little budget cuts.” “This is a criminal misuse of phthalo blue,” he was quoted as muttering posthumously.
Conservatives claim public media is “government-sponsored snooze-fest propaganda,” while liberals fear children will be forced to learn their numbers from YouTube pranksters instead of Count von Count. Economists warn the sticker price on NOVA pledge drives could make tote bags the new Bitcoin.
At press time, NPR listeners were gathering for a silent, respectful protest described as “thoughtful,” “well-annotated,” and “regretfully cut short when someone mentioned it’s pledge week again.”
Leave a comment