#EspionageEnvy #NoodleDiplomacy #InternationalWhodunit #SpyVsSpy #TheJestPress
By: TheJestPress.com
BEIJING—In a thrilling new installment of “Who Wants to Be a Spy?”, a Chinese court has sentenced a Japanese man to three-and-a-half years in prison after conclusively determining he looked at something vaguely interesting in public and then wrote it down. According to sources, the man’s grave espionage activity included “standing near a museum, holding a phone suspiciously, and owning standard-issue bifocals.”
Officials say the accused, whose name can’t be released due to “ongoing national security precautions” (and the fact that nobody in the court could pronounce it without giggling), “engaged in classic covert tactics common among tourists: taking photos, mispronouncing Mandarin in a suspiciously foreign way, and ordering way too much hotpot.”
While critics have pointed out that the evidence seems a bit thin, Chinese authorities countered by showing a grainy photo of the man buying a guidebook titled “China: Interesting Places to Stare At,” which they insist was encrypted code for the Japanese Intelligence Agency.
Japan’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs has politely requested his release, noting that “standing around is actually an important part of the Japanese espionage ritual, known as ‘tourism’.” In retaliation, China threatened to start sending their own tourists to Japan’s cherry blossom festivals in trench coats, with notepads labeled “Definitely Not For Spying.”
In a statement, the Chinese court said, “The safety of our scenic attractions depends on vigilance against all forms of evil, whether it’s industrial sabotage or excessive photography of dumplings.” The man will reportedly serve his sentence just outside city limits, where he’ll be tasked with weeding the national secrets garden and memorizing every fortune cookie slip for future interrogation.
Both countries are expected to express “deep concern” in at least five strongly worded letters, to be immediately filed under “world’s most politely tense standoffs.”
By: TheJestPress.com
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