#satire #SlenderMan #CourtroomDrama #TrueCrime #OnlyInAmerica
By: TheJestPress.com
A Wisconsin judge has officially greenlit the release plan for Anissa Weier, one of the “Slender Man Stabbing” teens, prompting a mix of relief, panic, and immediate Googling of the phrase “Where is Anissa Weier right now?” Supporters say it’s a big step toward rehabilitation—critics say it’s a big step toward never sleeping again.
Weier, who in 2014 stabbed a classmate to appease the fictional creepypasta character “Slender Man,” will be reintegrated into society under strictly controlled conditions, including regular therapy, GPS monitoring, and a legally binding promise to avoid all tall faceless men in suits. Her lawyers argue she’s matured significantly, having reportedly learned the difference between internet fiction and felonies—though she still thinks the Tooth Fairy is “probably real.”
Outside the courtroom, a group of local parents held a candlelight vigil, which quickly turned into a flashmob demanding background checks for babysitters, D&D players, and anyone who’s ever cut their own bangs. “This sends a chilling message to our children,” said PTA representative Linda Witherspoon, “that you can just stab your way to the top—unless, of course, you’re not stabbing for a mythical figure with a fandom.”
Meanwhile, Slender Man himself was unavailable for comment, but sources confirm he’s “still chilling in the woods, just vibing” and is “frankly kinda creeped out” by the incident. His Wikipedia page saw a 500% spike in edits overnight, mostly to add disclaimers against inspiring literal stabbings.
For Weier, the next phase of freedom will include counseling, group therapy, and a strict ban on anything with more than 3,000 upvotes on Reddit. “I’m ready for a second chance,” she says, “and this time, please—no unsupervised sleepovers.” The nation, clutching their nightlights, can only hope.
By: TheJestPress.com
Leave a comment