#Satire #SupremeCourt #MobsterNews #ObviousVerdicts #LegalHumor
By: TheJestPress.com
In a stunning 9-0 decision, the Supreme Court delivered a decisive rebuke to Vincent “The Not-So-Sneaky” Romano, a Genovese crime family associate, after he argued that attempted murder is not, in fact, a “violent” crime. Legal experts are calling this “the least surprising moment in Supreme Court history” since Justice Scalia asked “Is pizza delivery a constitutional right?” in 1998.
Romano, known for his creative legal defenses and inability to wear a suit without sweating, appeared shocked by the ruling. “I just thought maybe they’d see it my way, you know? I never actually finished the job,” said Romano, while undoing the top three buttons on his shirt. “It’s the thought that counts, not the act.”
In her opinion, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson wrote, “In what universe is attempted murder not violent? Is this an episode of Sesame Street or Grand Theft Auto?” The opinion went on to clarify, “Brandishing a weapon, chasing someone down an alley, and screaming ‘I’ll get you!’—these are classic indicators of violence. Frankly, I’m embarrassed we’re even writing this down.”
The defense, led by legendary attorney Salvatore “Slippery Sly” Siletti, attempted to cite previous cases where ‘attempted eating’ was ruled as ‘not eating’ and ‘attempted sleeping’ was not grounds for nap time at daycare. Justice Kavanaugh responded, “Interesting points, but none of those involved a crowbar or threats of sleeping with the fishes.”
Mob associates outside the courthouse were also perplexed. “Next they’re gonna say extortion is mean,” muttered Tony “Fingers” Marchello. “What do these people want, hugs?”
Legal scholars predict this ruling may complicate the mob’s training seminars, where “maybe just point the gun, don’t shoot it” has been a popular session.
Romano remains undeterred. “Next time, I’ll just attempt to attempt it. Then maybe they’ll call it a Hallmark moment.”
By: TheJestPress.com
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