#CampusChaos #FountainFiasco #ThirstyForTrouble #HydrationHorrors #SatireSplash
By: TheJestPress.com
California Man Horrifies College Students During Disgusting Campus Stunt: ‘Never Use A Water Fountain Again’
In what may go down as the boldest act of liquid rebellion since the Boston Tea Party, local California man Chip McMoist caused mass panic at UC California’s main quad Monday by performing a stunt so grotesque, so unspeakably unhygienic, it’s left thousands of students swearing off public hydration for eternity.
Eyewitnesses say the terror began just after 1:30 pm. Students, fresh from lectures on microplastics and the importance of eco-friendly drinkware, gathered around as Chip sauntered up to the time-honored stainless-steel water fountain. After a dramatic pause, he took a long, lingering sip — but instead of savoring the moment, McMoist proceeded to open his mouth wide, gargle the water with the vocal intensity of a malfunctioning garbage disposal, and let it cascade back down onto the spout.
“I’m never drinking water again,” wept sophomore Taylor Gulpman, clutching her emotional support Hydro Flask. “He put the entire concept of drinking fountains in a blender and pressed ‘Puree.’”
Campus officials have declared a Level Orange Emergency, cordoning off every water fountain with police tape and distributing free cans of LaCroix to traumatized students. Health experts are calling for mandatory fountain etiquette training, while the Philosophy department debates whether a water droplet’s journey is inherently doomed or just misunderstood.
Reached for comment, McMoist said, “I just wanted to show them that real life is way scarier than finals week. Also, honestly, my Brita filter was out.”
Now, as campus hydration returns to normal (read: no one’s drinking anything), students across California are asking the same crucial question: Is thirst truly worse than witnessing aquatic anarchy?
Only time — and maybe a campus priest with a super-soaker of holy water — will tell.
By: TheJestPress.com
Leave a comment